🕰️THE GREAT NEW YEAR’S SPELL (A Satirical Exposé for the Spiritually Awake) ✨🐍🎭

💁‍♀️Every December, we think we’re gearing up for a “fresh start” 🎉 but really we’re just shuffling from one cosmic cubicle to the next 🚪➡️🚪. Janus is the gatekeeper 👥, Saturn is the time‑warden ⏳, and we’re the ones dutifully clocking in for another round of “New Year, New Me” 🙄 which is basically “Same Prison, Different Cell” 🔒. Saturn rules Saturday 🪐, December ❄️, and every “lesson” we swear we’ll finally learn 📚. Astrology calls him the Lord of Karma ⚖️; Rome called him the god of time and limitation 🏛️; we call him “the reason our resolutions feel like homework from a teacher who hates us” 😑. And the punchline? Saturn never lets anyone graduate 🎓🚫. The lessons repeat until we break the cycle ourselves; which, statistically, we don’t. Because the numbers are brutal: only 8% of resolutions succeed 📉. Eight. Percent. The rest of us flame out by mid‑February 💥, cortisol‑soaked 😵‍💫 and wondering why our willpower evaporated like cheap champagne 🍾💨. Turns out willpower is finite 🔋, shame is a terrible motivator 😬, and stress shuts down the very part of the brain that makes decisions 🧠💣. So the ritual isn’t designed to help us evolve; it’s designed to keep us spinning: hope → failure → guilt → repeat 🔄. And the programming starts early 👶✨. As kids, we’re told staying up until midnight is “special” 🌙⭐, as if the universe itself is perched on the edge of its seat waiting for the clock to hit 12:00 🕛. We learn that time; not intuition, not nature, not inner knowing, determines meaning ⏰ > 🌿. Midnight becomes magic because the calendar says so 📅✨. The countdown becomes sacred because adults scream and throw confetti 🎊🎉 at a number changing. It’s adorable, yes, but also suspiciously similar to training a puppy with treats 🐶🍪. Then comes the childhood interrogation: “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” 😇 Translation: “Please publicly confess your flaws so we can all nod approvingly” 👀. We learn to announce our inadequacies 📢, seek validation for our self‑improvement plans 👍, and then fail in front of everyone 😬. Shame becomes tradition. By adulthood, we’re posting resolutions online 📱, joining accountability groups 👥, and signing up for gym memberships that mysteriously vanish by March 🏋️‍♀️➡️🫥. And the deeper lesson? Time is the master; we are the obedient little time‑servants ⛓️🕰️. We wait for Monday to start the diet 🍽️, January to quit the habit 🚭, “next year” to become worthy 🌈. Time becomes both the excuse and the pressure. We wake by alarm clocks instead of sunlight ⏰🌞, eat by schedule instead of hunger 🍽️⏱️, work by hours instead of energy 💼⚡, sleep when the clock says instead of when we’re tired 😴. We’re living inside the Roman control grid 🏛️📅, not inside our own bodies. New Year’s Eve is the annual reinforcement of this time‑slavery 🔗🎆 the global ritual that locks the programming in deeper. It’s the most synchronized moment on Earth 🌍🕛: a 24‑hour rolling wave 🌊 of countdowns, toasts 🥂, kisses 💋, and emotional fireworks 🎇 over a number changing. Billions of us participating in the same symbolic act at the same moment. If that’s not a spell, what is 🪄. And the funniest part? We call it a “fresh start” 😂. But the present moment; the only place our actual power exists ⚡is the one place the ritual trains us to ignore. Janus looks backward and forward 👥, never at now. And every year, we become him: regretting the past 😔, fantasizing about the future ✨, missing the only moment that’s real 🧘‍♀️. But once we see the pattern 👁️, we can step out of it. We can stop waiting for permission from clocks, calendars, or cosmic hall monitors 🚫🕰️. We can stop outsourcing our power to deadlines and declarations 🛑📅. We can reclaim our rhythms 🌿, our timing 🌀, our agency 🔥, our now 🌟. Because the truth is simple: We were never meant to worship time. We were meant to inhabit it. ✨ 🙏New Year’s Eve Prayer: 🕊️Holy God, as this year closes, I stand before You with an open heart and a willing spirit. Thank You for carrying me through every shadowed valley and every unexpected blessing. Thank You for the wisdom hidden in the struggle and the strength You awakened in me through every trial. Tonight, I release what was never mine to hold. Break every chain that tried to bind me. Dismantle every illusion that tried to confuse me. Cleanse every space in my spirit where fear once lived. Let Your truth rise in me like dawn. Guide my steps into the new year with clarity, courage, and holy discernment. Surround me with people who speak life, walk in integrity, and honor the light You placed within me. Remove anything that blocks my purpose or dims my calling. Fill me with Your peace that surpasses understanding. Fill me with Your love that restores the weary. Fill me with Your light that no darkness can overcome. I walk into this new season covered, protected, and aligned. I walk forward knowing You go before me, behind me, and within me. In Jesus’ mighty name. Amen, Ameen, Ase, so be it.🌈✨ 🪷Love & Light Affirmation: 🌙 Tonight, I step into my becoming. I release every heavy story that tried to claim me, and I rise into the truth of who I am; whole, worthy, guided, and divinely protected. 🔥 I honor the lessons, not the losses. I bless the doors that closed, the shadows that surfaced, and the strength that awakened in me because of them. 💫 I call my power back from every timeline, every bond, every illusion. My energy returns home clear, sovereign, and overflowing with purpose. 🌟 I align with the light that cannot be dimmed. I walk into this new cycle with clarity, courage, and cosmic confidence. 💖 I choose love as my compass, truth as my shield, and peace as my inheritance. Everything meant for me arrives with ease. Everything not aligned dissolves without struggle. ✨ I am ready. I am open. I am rising. Blessed be this transition. Blessed be this becoming. Blessed be this new year of miracles unfolding in real time. Love and light to all who walk with me🌙 📚Sources: Caesar, Julius. Julian Calendar Reforms. 46 BCE. “Ego Depletion and Self‑Control.” Journal of Clinical Psychology, University of Scranton, 2012. Gregory XIII. Gregorian Calendar Reform. 1582. “New Year’s Resolution Statistics.” Journal of Psychology and Behavior, 2014. Saturnalia. Roman Festival Records, 1st Century CE. “Auld Lang Syne: Historical Origins.” Scottish Folk Archives, 1790.